We have a new roof, I would tell you it looks lovely, but my house is shaped in such a way that you can't see it. For once this reno went off without drama. They apologized for being a day late getting finished, in my book if you're a day a late AND you fix the house so there are no more leaks, and perhaps preventing Waspagedon, The Sequel -- you can take an entire week if you'd like. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
See, when we got back from vacation in August, I settled into the basement rec room to quickly catching up on the PVR frivolity that is SYTYCD. When, appalled by some god-awful ballroom routine and a strange electrical sound, I looked around the room and noticed an off-white criss-cross pattern on the wall by the sliding door. "Hmmmm..." I thought to myself with all the serenity I could muster. "What could that possibly be." I dragged my tired carcass off the couch to investigate.
Just a touch a panic when I realized that the electrical sound was buzzing... full blown melt down when I looked over and saw two rather sleepy wasps on the wall. "OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT IS A WASPS NEST INSIDE MY FUCKING HOUSE." Then thought "We have to move out. RIGHT FUCKING NOW." Three urgent questions pop into my head:
1. Do real estate agents do emergency sales?
2. What’s the impact of a full on insect invasion on property value? and
3. Is it too late to call my parents and announce that I am moving back in?
I would have started packing immediately but The Man has a say in this. (Stupid joint ownership.) I quietly climb the stairs and bellow up to The Man in my best calm, cool and collected impression. "HUN, Can you come look at something in the basement for me. Right away. Now please." I suppose this wasn’t an Oscar worthy performance, The Boy was instantly alarmed.
I fight back the urge to scream "STAY AWAY CHILD... STAY FAR FAR AWAY." The Man, with an understated (what now) said "Boy, you stay here for now. Your mom is having a problem, I need to go help her."
Then the feminist in me got all upset, "You don't need saving, you are woman, you are strong." And the rest of me told her to shut the fuck up -- this was bugs --- mean fucking bugs that bite. If there was a time to pull the chick card this was it.
I explain the situation to The Man. Calmly, you understand. I only dropped about 12 f-bombs in two sentences. Sensing perhaps that this is not the result of too much tequila, he goes down to check out the "situation" and concurs. Mother-fucking cock-sucking wasps... IN the wall. Climbing out of the wall. Invading my house. I decide that if he owns half this place, the wasps are his.
The only acceptable solution we agree is to '"nuke the fuckers -- nuke 'em hard -- and nuke 'em now." Problem is that it was now 9:30 p.m. and well, Home Depot closes at 10. There is however a WalMart open 24/7. I don't like Walmart. I think they are evil. I really do. I think they're bad for local economies and even worse on their workers. Most of the time, I am all about boycotting Walmart. I don't care that 20L of pickles is 99 cents. I just can’t get over to their sexist, racist and few other -ist practices... oh I hate Walmart.
But this night is different.
This night THERE WAS AN EVIL WASP INVASION FROM HELL IN MY HOUSE, and as we stand there discussing, it’s getting worse. There was no time to lose. We needed action... if Walmart had everything. They sell pickles, tampons and shot guns. There has to be a few cans of WaspNuker for Rednecks for sale. Fuck social responsibility. And the social activist in me was ticked, she got a plackard and she went to stand beside the feminist. The rest of me to her to shut the fuck up too. Drastic times people, drastic times. THIS IS FUCKING WASPS. Gone. They need to be gone now.
But I don't want to be seen in Walmart. So I put The Boy to bed and send The Man out to get nerve agent for wasps. I will admit that the mother in me, considered getting a hotel room so Boyo would be safe. But The Man took the car.
Then the phone rings. "They only have outdoor stuff," he says simply.
"If you open the sliding door right next to the wall, it will be really close to outside... sort of. I really don't care. Just NUKE THE FUCKERS." It's at this instant that kind of sort of understood how people for a moment ended up voting in GWB. Fear does odd things to a person.
Then I thought about Zoom and breast cancer and thought, we'll all get some sort of weird big sick and this will be starting point. Walmart and bug spray made us zombies... maybe lucid possessed zombies force to eat Brrrrrrrrrains... "But you need provide a good safe home for your family." The eco-friendly granola cruncher in me said. The rest of me told her to shut the fuck up too. She got a cup of organic herbal tea for nerves and went to stand next to the pouting feminist and angry social activist.
It was not a good night for my ethical side.
"Well, I think I have a solution to handle the spray..." The Man said. Cool. Let's do it.
He came home, and unleashed an entire can of insecticide into the nest. And many wasps died. And I did not shed a tear. Because they are mean mother fuckers that like to take big chunks of my tender skin off for no good reason. (Sort of like some people I know.) He said there were many many dead wasps. It was not pretty. I'd best not go down there until he'd cleaned up.
The feminist hissed, the social activities stomped and the hippy gave a great big sigh.
The next morning, I went down into the basement. There were about four wasps hovering stunned in mid air about two feet off the ground. My feral mind... "HOW CAN THEY NOT BE DEAD... I’ll SHOW THEM FEAR AND DEATH" and I unloaded an entire SECOND bottle of insecticide into the nest (thereby killing the remaining 4 wasps). This was not rational I realize. This was voting GWB in for a second term.
The Man pulled down the drywall a few days later... massive damage, they'd eaten through the hard fiberglass insulation. Thousands of them. They had hit drywall and were expanding INTO THE HOUSE. Then we saw the water damage... which was coming from above... and we were not happy.
But now the wasps are gone, and we had to the roof (source of water). Now, maybe I can start reconciling all my bits.