Ants in underpants?

You may recall that last summer, George W Bush and his hive of ass-stingers moved into my basement (more commonly known as wasps). At the time, you will recall that I conducted myself with style and grace, I remain to this day deeply scarred by the whole experience. To wit, we have, as of yet, to replace the gaping, garbage bag covered hole in the basement. In fact, scarred as we are, we are doing a most excellent job ignoring the entire thing.

But bugs are skeevy, and if they weren't such an important food source for... ummm... animals. I'd nuke all those fuckers back to charred remnants of amino acids. But the planet is broken -- and honestly, we aren't doing much to help it. I cringed when we looked at the photos from the Exxon Valdez, and I am horrified that there is no technology of fail-safe that has been created to help stop the flow of oil when the tankers spring a leak. Honestly, Palin and her drill baby drill crew should be tasks with clean up.

And I do feel tremendously bad for my nuke 'em stand on bugs. But there it is. I am part of the problem. Pot meet kettle. Then, as if to prove some sort of point, mother earth threw us one mild winter. While many people in the U.S. were digging themselves out mountainous snow falls, Ottawa (one of the world's coldest capitals) well wasn't. In fact, it was alarmingly D.C. like, including an early spring -- which brings. Wait for it. A whole month early...

they creep...

they crawl...

everybody's favourite...

BUGS.

Ants to be precise. Ottawa has been over-run with ants. There are ants in my house. Yeah,they don't fly (yet?) they don't bite and they aren't eating my home. But still ... ick. Hence, I very calmly, very matter-of-factly, I decided that I need ant traps. (Jewels informs me that she is seeing ants for the first time in her home.)

I made this decisions, as I was overwhelmed by the selection of light bulbs at the Home Hardware of the street. And since I couldn't decide if if I needed 25, 40 or 60 watt bulbs/ clear bulbs or opaque -- I made a firm decision to to declare war on the ants.(I reckon this is at least as much thought as GWB put into the war in Iraq.)

Well, like an ant on sugar, the Home Hardware guy mozied on up to me with his best "well, pretty lady what can we help you with..." The wink-wink nudge-nudge" may have been imagined.(Not in your life bucko.) I did bat my eyelashes or sigh heavily as I explained I was looking for ant traps.

"What kind of ants?" he asked.

(Touch me and you're dead dude.) "Black ones." I say. (This seems like a particularly astute observation at the time.)

"What size?" he asked.

Ummmm... I don't know. They seems biggish to me. But really, how big to ants get? I mean in the rain forest they have beetles that are bigger than my Civic. Besides we all know that big is a relative term. (I reckon this guy knows his less than 5.1-inches really really well -- NSFW.)

"Well, these traps here only work on little ants. Say less than half an inch," he says and proceeds to upsell me to the Ritz Carleton of ant traps. "Good for all sizes of ants including the larger carpenter ants." 

I immediately envision ants with tools chiseling away at the foundation of my house and I wonder if any those realtors that follow me on Twitter would cut me a deal on commission. I am far too squeamish to be dealing with the ickiness that are bugs.

Shorty then regales me with talk of how they have termites in some parts of Toronto. I decide to one up him with the wasp invasion story. He says: "Well,did you figure out how they got in, because you know they'll come back if you don't seal up the hole. They have a scent trail."

Fuck. Now I have to seal up the house. Think I might start with the doors.

Comments

[Kevin Spencer]

We've had spiders, scorpions, and big arse crane fly motherfuckers in our house in the past 12 months we lived there. It's good times with bugs isn't it?

[Nat]

One of the good things about living "up here" is that they die every winter so nothing gets huge.  Creepy... just plain creepy.

[coffeewithjulie]

Yes, the black ants are crazy this year! I am SO not impressed. Our wise (picture late 70s) neighbour advised us to do a Borax and sugar concoction boiled in water. And guess what? It seems to have worked! (Google it, try it, and feel less guilty about ruining the earth!)

[Nat]

Great idea. I'll have to look that up.

[smothermother]

we have ants too. where do you find borax? oh, and spiders seem to be rampant this spring as well. not so good for the arachnophobic in me.

[Finola]

I thought I already commented, but maybe something went wrong?
Anyway, I would totally trade your ants for my centipedes. ugh.

[Elly Lou]

Is it weird that I want to measure a penis now? Probably weird. I'm going to stop talking.

[Nat]

Spiders? I don't mind spiders so much. Wonder if I can get ant eating spiders.
(I think Bulk Barn has borax?)

[Nat]

Centipes? That is a new one... looks like the insect arsenal has been unleashed in our 'hood.

[Nat]

I'd say no... but penises are just one of those things that might need measuring.  ;-)

[XUP]

Borax is available in grocery stores, too, next to the powdered laundry detergent and works exactly like ant poison. Mixed with sugar, they'll take it back to their colony and kill off their families (much like we go to McDonald's and bring back burgers for our families). There are a few natural ant deterrants, too. Cinnamon is something ants hate. Tie some up in cheesecloth bundles around the anty areas. Baking soda sprinkled in ant areas will consume the ant trail scent so they can't find their way back. Planting mint around the house keeps bugs away from the house in general.

[Nat]

Most excellent. Thanks.

[Selma]

XUP has the best tips. I have tried the borax and sugar before but didn't know that about the cinnamon. Hope your ants disappear soon.